Sunday, March 4, 2012

Meowahan's Case Files: The Death of Dave Bocks



N.L.O. Plant

You’ve all known me long enough now to understand that I’ve had some temper issues over my years on the job. Most of my little “tantrums” were either brought on by punks who pushed my buttons, or by officious little weasels whose asses had never left a seat behind their desk. Point is, I had good reasons for all of my angry outbursts, and at the end of the day I always got the job done. That anger is building again, but for entirely different reasons this time around; I miss my nip and milk stout. I can no longer smell the ocean breeze from the Greek Isles on my fur, and the stench of stale cigarettes in the Crime Kittehs office is about to make me go nuclear.
All this talk of going nuclear reminds me of a spooky case back in the 80’s, with undercover buildings, whistle blowers and a mysterious death. I’m talking about the “murder” of Dave Bocks, an employee of the Feed Materials Production Center in Fernald, Ohio.
What the locals didn’t know was that the plant was actually a cover for the Department of Energy, and was used to process high grade uranium for nuclear weapons. It seems that conditions at the plants were less than perfect, with over 200 tons of radioactive particles being released into the atmosphere on any given year.
Mr. Bocks was tired of all the crap going on at the plant, and it’s believed he was about to reveal the mushroom cloud of mystery surrounding his workplace.
The night of Dave’s disappearance began as normal; sharing a ride with co-worker Harry Easterling, and clocking in for the graveyard shift, where he inspected and maintained equipment in the factory, and setting about doing his usual efficient job.
Later that evening though, a co-worker saw Dave and a supervisor having a “heated discussion” in a pickup truck out in the parking lot. The witness was unable to hear what was being said as the windows of the truck were up, even though it was a typically muggy Ohio summer night.
Shortly after that “meeting” another worker saw Dave heading to an area other than the one he had been assigned to, and when he couldn’t be reached later, it was assumed he was working overtime, so his ride partner Harry left to go home.
The next night was Dave’s turn to drive, and when Harry arrived at their meeting spot, Dave’s car was already there. Harry reported Dave as missing, and when keys and a bone fragment were discovered near the furnace that Dave was heading too, the plant was closed for a full investigation.
It took 3 days for the molten liquid inside the furnace to cool, but when it did, several pieces were found that led investigators to believe that they belonged to Dave. He had a history of psychological issues, so it was believed that suicide was the cause of death; case closed.
So why do some folks believe it was murder? The keys are the key, as they had been seen by more than one person on Dave’s toolbox AFTER the furnace where the body was found had been used. The question then was who took the keys and dumped them, and why?
We may never find out, but the hope is that someone has information about the disappearance of Dave Bocks, and that they will come forward to do a little whistle blowing of their own.
Signed,
Det. Meowahan

Most Spooky With Jane Scratchaway: The Disappearance of Joseph Helt




Hi there, all of you crime kittehs. Today I stumbled across a case that has been unsolved for over 24 purring years.
Back on January 16, 1987 a young tomcat, Joseph David Helt disappeared without so much as leaving behind a ball of fur. Joe and some other kittehs had been at a party located at the Mount Cathalia Ski Lodge in Cragsmoor, just five miles outside of Ellenville, New York on the night of his disappearance. Even thought the ski lodge had partially burned out in the early 80’s, it was the spot where the cool cats would go hang out and party.
While kicking his paws up, Joe spent time at the party with his best friend Armando and several other cats. At some point Joe asked Armando for a ride home. But Armando had borrowed another cat’s pick-up and didn’t have enough room because several others were already promised a ride home by him.
When Armando said he didn’t have the room, Joseph then took a ride from 21 year old cat named John LaForge, who was older than the rest but still chose to hang out with the younger kittehs.
The other cats that also took a ride with John were Kelly Diaz who at the time was 16 years old and Wade Marks who was just 17 years old.
The three cats meowed that when they left the party, they rode down Sam’s Point road in John’s four wheel drive Subaru. They state that they got the vehicle stuck in a ditch later on due to icy road conditions and they couldn’t get it out after the four boys tried several times to get the car unstuck. Then they purred that Joe became upset and got out of the vehicle to begin walking back to Ellenville for some help which was just over five miles away. That was supposedly around 3:00 to 3:30 am in the morning hours.
Next, the three feral cats meowed that twenty minutes later Diaz and Marks also left the vehicle to walk just over two miles back to Wade Marks home which was located near the original party site, the mount Cathalia Ski Lodge. And then about ten minutes after those two left the vehicle, LaForge supposedly also left it and walked over two miles back to his home which was in Cragsmoor as well…
The following day when Joseph failed to prance in for his scheduled shift at the Napanoch Auction Barn, his boss Vic called Joe’s mother. And when she couldn’t locate him anywhere, she called the Ellenville police who searched the area where Joseph supposedly went missing. A few hours later, several other rescue workers joined in the search. They clawed their ways up the mountain, but then nasty weather put a stop to their searching through a major snow storm after six furry back breaking days. They said when they called off the search that there was no way a tomcat like Joseph could survive the mountain at temperatures that fell below zero and never hissed its way out of the twenties.
Of course they brought in the canines to help search, but those barking hounds never picked up on his scent, only the scent of the cats that were searching for him. However, the search teams did go back up the mountain during the spring time after the snow had melted and the ground had thawed. Still there weren’t any traces of Joseph to be found. Not a fur-ball, a tennis shoe, a t-shirt or any other hide covering article of clothing what so ever… not even a broken cat claw!!!
Now then, let me ruffle your fur just a bit more. There have been several rumors scratching around about Joseph Helt’s disappearance and some even hiss that those three tomcat acquaintances of his had something to do with it… I must purr that none of this makes any sense at all…
Why would Joe walk over five miles for help versus walking back just over two miles to the party? Or even the two miles to either one of the tomcat’s homes which would have been closer to them? What was the reasoning that they decided to go up Sam’s Point road instead of taking Joe home as it was stated that he requested? More importantly… why would he leave by himself? And why would those cats let him leave by himself on a cold icy January night in the middle of nowhere? Just what was he so upset about???
The whole case has me gnawing at my claws. Why didn’t the police report Joe’s case to the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children before October 2010 twenty three years later? Why not inform the New York State Police of his disappearance so that they could put him on the list of missing persons and/or their website before April 22, 2011?
For twenty three years Joseph Helt had never been reported to any Governmental agency as missing… nor any media outlets ,for that matter… not anyone anywhere so that his family could get some comfort knowing that someone out there cared for and was looking for their missing son. The police have made several mishaps when it comes to bringing attention to Joseph Helt’s case in hopes of locating him by the use of other’s knowledge. There wasn’t so much as even a reward offered in this case to find him…
Since Joe’s disappearance, both of his parents have given up their nine lives to cancer. But his family member contact, Aunt Beth Churchill isn’t even allowed to lay her cat eyes on the police report taken back in 1987, not anything at all that has to do with his case!
So I ask all of you kittehs, “Just whom are the police protecting?”
In a taped interview with the NBC News, a New York State Police spokesperson stated that the three stray cats who were the last ones to see Joseph before his mysterious disappearance… were not now and not ever considered suspects or persons of interest in his disappearance!!!
How is that even possible you meow?
Although Joseph Helt’s parents have since passed due to cancer just months apart in 2007 and 2008, they left behind a litter of family and friends who still care and want to know just what happened.
So if any of you crime fighting kittehs out there have something to purr off your chest about the disappearance of Joseph David Helt, please contact me, Sgt. Scratchaway here… or by clicking on the link. Plus you can also make an anonymous tip at 1-800-490-2267.
Signed,
Sgt. Scratchaway

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Not Listening to Sophie Ellis-Bextor Is a Crime!

Sophie Ellis-Bextor Rules!!!!


Hey all you kittehs out there,

It's me Weave Rogers, the Ocean Maniac!  The coolest shark in law enforcement.

As part of my job fighting crime I often have to straighten out punks like Mumia Abu Jamal for listening to shitty music or murdering Philadelphia cops.

One thing that has always led me to believe that Mumia Abu Jamal was a stone cold sociopath was the fact that besides murdering police officers and showing absolutely no remorse he has also been known to totally hate on Sophie Ellis-Bextor, I mean Mumia Abu Jamal is a straight-up Sophie Ellis-Hater!

So if you wanna be cool like me and not a lame cop-killing coward like Mumia Abu Jamal you better step up to the musical plate and listen to this yo:

<iframe width="420" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/qfWOWvS-u8U" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>


Later,
Weave "Ocean Maniac" Rogers

Weave Rogers: Apex predator and the biggest Sophie Ellis-Bextor fan the ocean seas have to offer.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Stefan Galatzar-Levy Endorses Crime Kittehs!!!

Hey, Weave Rogers the original Ocean Maniac here and I've got a very exciting announcement for all my kittehs.

Apparently the most cosmopolitan world traveler this side of Lauren Hutton has decided to film a video showing his love for Crime Kittehs.

That's right, I'm talking about none other than Stefan Galatzar-Levy, the pride of Evanston.

If you don't believe this fishy just watch the video below:


Yours truly,
Weave "Ocean Maniac" Rogers



P.S. This kid pictured below is totes missing so if you live in the NYC tri-state area try to get this poster out my fellow crime fishehs...I mean kittehs.


Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Death of Harry Meowahan

RIP Harry Meowahan in the streets below the ocean no one is really dead la la la la la la la la la la la la la...



Hey all you silly crime kittehs!

It's me Weave "Ocean Maniac" Rogers, the new chief here at Crime Kittehs HQ.

I'm real sorry that my first post on here has to be about the death of one of our own but Harry Meowahan was found dead this morning.

Apparently he was shot in the butt with a bb gun while taking a cat nap and he bled to death.

At least he didn't have to suffer that much.

Police have arrested Harry's archenemy Crazington McGee for the murder.

So for now it's just me and Meowy Quinn at Crime Kittehs. But we have enlisted the aid of superstar Nick Cannon's son Nick Cannon Jr., the toughest cop east of Detroit.  He should be here in a few days.

I just hope that no bad guys try to attack Crime Kittehs HQ while we're running a skeleton crew because we might end up literally being like skeletons or I will be cartilage since I'm a shark.


Sincerely,

Weave "Ocean Maniac" Rogers

Isn't it crazy this place is called Crime Kittehs even though it's run by a fish and a kitteh?





Thursday, September 1, 2011

If S.E. Cupp Was a Kitteh: Would She Love Me Then?

Police sketch artist's rendition of a kitteh S.E. Cupp.


Hey fellow crime kittehs,

It's me Det. Kitowicz.

The other day I saw this dumb article on ESPN.com called "If Michael Vick Was White".  The gist of the article was that if Vick had been white he would have gotten off easy for his crimes.  Wait, Michael Vick is a sociopath and a mass murderer of puppehs and kittehs, he spent less than two years locked up.  So how much easier could they have made it for him?  Have the judge suck his dick?

Anyway, this silly mouse game of wondering what people would be like if they had been born different got me thinking about S.E. Cupp.

I am so in love with her but she is a human and I am a kitteh, it just isn't meant to be.  Bestiality is illegal and crime kittehs don't break the law.

But what if S.E. Cupp was a kitteh?

Would we have the most beautiful wedding ever with a giant mural of a unicorn and Pegasus signing a peace accord? Putting a stop to their endless Pegasus vs. unicorn fighting.

So think about it fellow crime kittehs, imagine how beautiful the world would be if S.E. Cupp was a kitteh, and me and her had the cutest litter of kittehs ever!

Signed,
Det. Kitowicz

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Felines on Patrol: Meet Detective Meowy Quinn

Det. Meowy Quinn

Meowy Quinn's life has been nothing but an endless string of tragedies, like a giant ball of sadness yarn tangled up in kitteh claws.

His parents were kidnapped and sold to chefs at a P.F. Chang's within minutes of Quinn being born and he was the only kitteh in a litter of six to not be stillborn.

Later on after graduating police academy Quinn's fiancee Angela was murdered on their honeymoon by a sniper working for Asian crimelord Ching Chong Chung.

Then Quinn's second wife, Meowthryn, kidnapped their daughter, murdered her, and committed suicide without telling anyone where to find the body.  He couldn't handle the stress anymore and had to find an easier job.  So now Detective Meowy Quinn works for Crime Kittehs as our crime historian, documenting historical crime cases to help lend context to the more recent stuff meow meow!

Signed,
Det. Kitowicz







 


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